Joey Fatone doesn't mince his words as he tells One Direction to expect tacky product endorsements and abject misery for the rest of their careers
When you think of NSYNC, what’s the first thing that springs to mind? Justin Timberlake and his glittering solo career and unrivalled position as one of pop’s sexiest men? Or perhaps it’s his former bandmate Joey Fatone – current voice of Family Feuds and proud ambassador of a hair-loss treatment – who springs to mind.
Well, it looks like One Direction‘s ‘hiatus’ struck a nerve with Joey, who decided to write them a brutally honest, but hilarious, open letter about what to expect from their break.
He warned them that ‘Harry Styles will record some dope singles with Beyonce‘ but advised them against expecting their own success to reach such heights, telling them that the reality would be more like ‘sitting in a grimy condo sucking a noodle off your Playstation controller’.
Read Joey’s full outburst below:
Hey guys. It’s Joey Fatone, former member of NSync and current announcer on Family Feud, the job I’ve always dreamed of. This weekend, while sitting on the toilet and crying (I LOVE MY LIFE!!!) I flipped through my iPhone and saw that you’d announced a “one-year hiatus” beginning in March. I just wanted to congratulate you guys and wish you well! I’m sure 2016 will be a wonderful time for everyone from One Direction to pursue some independent projects before regrouping as a stronger band one year later! Here’s to spreading your wings!
Here’s how it’s gonna go down, fellas. While you’re all on hiatus, Harry will record some dope singles with Beyonce, Ryan Adams and Wiz Khalifa, come out with a killer solo album produced by Pharrell and Timbaland, cut his hair, dye his hair, do a second less awesome album, let his hair grow super long and wear it in two braids, crush a self-effacing cameo in a Judd Apatow movie, buzz his hair and release a third, self-produced album on which he hints at being bisexual that everyone will call his “best work.”
The rest of you are fucked. I mean fucked. I am the second most-successful former member of NSync and I am Joey Fatone. Say that outloud to yourself: “Besides Justin Timberlake, Joey Fatone is the most successful member of NSync.”
Here’s me being a spokesman for Bosley hair restoration last year:
Best case scenario, you’ll do a 6-week stint in Minions: The Musical! on Broadway before you bounce around different hosting jobs on channels like Spike and TruTv. Do you know what Chris Kirkpatrick is doing? Because I don’t. He’s completely unreachable. He might be managing a Best Buy in Sacramento, he might be dead. No one knows. Louis, I’m looking at you.
There is one exception: If one of you is gay you might have a shot. Wait till One Direction has been dead for two years, kiss your hot boyfriend at an awards show, then ride that relevance like a beautiful boner and pray to god you get a show on Bravo.
It’s not that you guys aren’t talented, it’s that Harry is so, so much cuter, cooler and more talented than the rest of you. Deep down, you’ve always known that, but you will never truly understand it until you’re in your grimy little condo, sitting in your boxers, sucking a chow mein noodle off your Playstation controller and watching Harry blow it up on SNL.
Jesus christ I wish I was still in NSync. Jesus…JESUS FUCK! I would give all my hair to go back to that.
Anyway, enjoy the next few months, One Direction, because they’re your last.
What do you reckon? Are Louis, Niall and Liam destined to a life of nightclub appearances in Scunthorpe and athlete’s foot powder endorsements, or is Joey writing them off too soon?