The former EastEnders actress is ready to reveal all about her harrowing year

Danniella Westbrook‘s  past struggles have been well documented, but the star seemed to be turning her life around after cutting out drugs for more than 15 years and even entering the Celebrity Big Brother house last January.

But following a harrowing year in which Danniella suffered painful dental implants and a nightmare boob job, which left her with wonky breasts, the former EastEnders actress admits she started using again.

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Speaking exclusively to Now, the 43-year-old is ready to tell her heartbreaking story and opens up about her struggle with addiction – revealing that at her lowest point, she tried to end her life eight or nine times.

Danniella, what’s happening?

I had teeth implants and the screws are supposed to go into the gum. It takes a while to settle, but mine never did. It was more and more painful. Nobody knows how poorly I was – I got septicaemia and osteoporosis and I was hospitalised at the Royal London Hospital. I had three operations in seven weeks. I could have died. There’s a gaping hole here at the roof of my mouth. I’ve had cheek implants put in and I’m having bone grafting in February.

More: ‘Time to work’: Has Danniella Westbrook just revealed she’s RETURNING to EastEnders as Sam Mitchell?

Why did you turn to drugs again?

I wanted to numb the pain. People think I was hoovering cocaine up my nose again, but I wasn’t. Yes, I’m stupid to take drugs, but I’m not stupid enough to do that. I was dabbing the coke with my finger and wiping it around my gums.

Can you describe the pain that you were going through?

I didn’t want to live. I hated myself. Last year I tried to kill myself eight or nine times. It was after George and I broke up. He was my whole world. Each time I’ve [tried] I’ve been high on drugs and when you’re on drugs you don’t have any sense of reality. You’re so self-obsessed and so twisted – it’s the s*****t place to be.

Is there something you crave? Something missing in your life that you desperately want?

I crave to fit in and to be loved and to have recognition from people I didn’t have as a child. As a child actor you’re constantly being someone else, so you’re not actually maturing into the person you’re supposed to be. I think for me that’s why I didn’t put drugs down for a long time; I was so frightened of the person I’d be without them, but I didn’t really like the person I was when I was with them. When I relapsed, I thought: ‘What the hell are you doing?’ because I hated the person I was on drugs.

Once you’re an addict, are you always an addict?

I have an addictive personality. I’m a vulnerable person and I break easily. I relapse in behaviour terribly. I think: ‘All I’ve got to do is get up and I’ll stay alive. I don’t want my kids to lose me.’ But other days I can’t get past it and I think: ‘I can’t get up. I can’t face the day.’

What’s your biggest fear?

That I’m never going to get it right. Sometimes I push so hard to see how much people care about me that I break people. I broke George, I broke my kids and I broke myself.

Pick up the latest copy of Now Magazine to read the full interview with Daniella!