Behind the pout and the death stare, Victoria Beckham is actually pretty funny

I’ve been in love with Victoria Beckham since 1996, back when she was Victoria Adams, the girl who contemplated changing her surname Aadams to make her sound more posh. Oh I remember everything, me.

Like all relationships VB and I have had our ups and downs, I abandoned her completely during my grunge phase’ at 15, but years later my dodgy hair extensions and pob cemented our one-sided affair.

Throughout it all though one thing has been consistent, Posh has always made me laugh, and basically anyone who makes me laugh can get away with a multitude of sins. *Offers list of ex boyfriends as evidence*

So to celebrate the fact that when Victoria unpouts she’s like totes hilaire jah, here are my top 10 funny things she’s ever said:

1) There are men in suits, there are men in dresses, there are allsorts’ – on the audience at Spice Girls concerts

2) They always say, “My God, David is so handsome, he’s gorgeous, he’s so good looking, and she’s so funny.” Basically that means you’re a pig with a good sense of humour.’

3) You have to go to a sex shop to spray polish on them’ – on her shoes

4) All white flowers at a wedding always look lovely but, for heavens sake, don’t include carnations – they are far too petrol station for a special day.’

5) He does have a huge one. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his. It is like a tractor exhaust pipe.’ Yup that’s about exactly what you think it is.

6) I’m the only person living in Hollywood who a) can not act and b) does not want to act.’

7) It is dog friendly nail polish, before we even go there because I know it is an issue. She’s a bulldog, she needs all the help she can get. We’ve tried to feminize her and make her feel sexy!’

8) I thought about writing a speech if I won a lifetime achievement award for Spice World. I might look crap in it, but who knows, it might become a cult classic.’

9) I don’t know much about football, I know what the goal is, which is surely the main thing about football.’

10) I tell you, paparazzi wouldn’t be sitting outside my house if they knew I was the most boring person in Hollywood.’

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