Okay people, you've had your laugh - it's week 5 and time for The X Factor's Chris Maloney to get the boot

The most irritating thing about Christopher Maloney isn’t his voice. It’s the fact that he’s stayed in The X Factor this long – and then it’s definitely his loathsome voice.

Every week I pray for Christopher Maloney to land in the bottom two so The X Factor judges can put us out of our misery but, for some inexplicable reason, he survives the public vote.

He doesn’t even squeak by – apparently, Chris Maloney‘s topped the polls! If this is a huge wind-up, then it’s working on me. The only way I can come to terms with it is to invent stories as to why this is happening.

Are the same people behind the Rage Against The Machine campaign who toppled 2009’s X Factor contestant Joe McElderry to nab the Christmas No 1 up to their sabotaging ways again?

Has a bored billionaire hired a legion of staff to continuously vote for Chris Maloney for an expensive prank?

Or maybe the UK really is tired of The X Factor‘s dominance and are backing Chris Maloney to take pleasure in making Simon Cowell squirm?

Whatever it is, I just can’t believe that the UK actually likes Chris Maloney. His weekly wails sound as if tenor Russell Watson ate too much and is letting out one huge, nasty belch.

But my biggest beef of all with Chris Maloney is that he won the wildcard spot over my beloved Times Red, and for that I can never forgive him. As Beyonce says, to the left, to the left’.

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