See you Shabs and hello Brian, I'm sure you'll do Basildon proud!

So long Shabnam, I won’t miss you. From toilet roll thievery to exercising in inappropriate clothes she managed to irritate me at every turn. Her argument with Charley over the toilet roll was truly astounding [when Charley is the voice of reason you have to be seriously worried]. Not only was it like hearing two five-year–olds fighting over a Girl’s World, but weren’t they supposed to be friends?

Anyway we quickly got to see the behind of her, quite literally in that skimpy dress. It all got a bit sad and embarrassing really when she tried to win the baying crowd over with that mental dance. I’m just hoping shortly after Davina led her away the men in white coats did too.

Anyway enough of that, on to the men. Finally.

First up we have Billi who claims to be a model. I just can’t see it myself, especially with the ridiculously straightened hair and sweatband. The eyeliner is disturbing me too. I can handle men in mascara when it’s in a dirty rocker boy kind of way, but on Billi I’m just finding it a bit odd. He has also announced: ‘I don’t like women who think or women who challenge me.’ Should get on with The Twins no problem, then. I am pleased to discover thought that his modelling name is Massimo. He’s a Massimo arse if you ask me.

I don’t really know what to say about Jonathan except – £8 billion annual turnover!!! Can you lend us a fiver, sod it, £5,000? If his house does look like a cross between Footballers’ Wives and a brothel then he’ll settle right in.

Liam seems the most normal so far Just bit of a lad really. Not bad looking, although he obviously enjoys a good fry up. Oh hang on, he says he doesn’t like bitching. He really is going to go mad quite quickly, isn’t he? The twins also look like they might explode at the sudden influx of men, especially Liam.

I quite like Brian already. He looks rather like Nat King Cole’s secret love child. I am astounded that he’s 18, I thought he was about 34. He seems quite endearing so far even if he does having imaginary friends – although that is something that he’s probably going to need in there. I especially love him telling himself to: ‘do Basildon, proud.’ Brian, I’m sure you will.