13 things we’d like to ask Kim Kardashian's bottom…

Kim Kardashian‘s gargantuan bottom is a star, a HUGE star. A celebrity in its own right, and one that likely comes with its own rider (we’re guessing yellow M&Ms) + her own team + security + make up artists + social meedya types… you know the drill… It’s not even the butt of people’s jokes, it’s The Butt of people’s jokes.

Whichever way you look at it (usually from behind) and no matter what you call it [… Bottom. Ass. Hiney. Bum. Junk. Trunk. Peaches. Arse. Buns. Butt. Booty. Buttocks. Derriere. Good olde fashioned buttocks…] Kim Kardashian‘s bottom is almost, almost, as famous as she is. It’s defo more famous than that Kayne West.

Jokes, Kanye.

And with comedy shots of Kayne’s hand suckered onto Kim’s bum doing the rounds at Paris Fashion Week on Sunday, Now thought it a very good time to ask some all-important bottom-based questions.

So, Kim, can we talk about your bottom for a sec please? Thanks everso.

10 things to think about when discussing Kim Kardashian’s ass:

1] Kim’s booty is famous for dropping #Belfies (like a #Selfie or Facebook profile picture – but for bums). Such photos are hard to master, Kim’s bum must have thumbs.

2] By aged 33, most people’s bottoms look like shriveled satsumas, sat lonely and depressed at the bottom of an old Christmas stocking (… just us!?) But Kim’s? Not Kim’s! Hers looks like two buoyant watermelons limbering up to climb Everest, or something. They’re simply marvellous…

3] Her Bottom Secret?
Squat n’ Lunge:

By having a wide stance when she does her squats – with toes pointed outward – Kim works her butt more, and her hamstrings less. The same goes for side lunges, which put the emphasis on working Kim Kardashian’s ass as opposed to her hamstrings.

4] Kim’s BUM has a PMA
And her bum’s Positive Mental Attitude is this: ‘I’m really proud of my curves, and I hope all you curvy girls out there are embracing yours too! It’s important to workout and be the best version of yourself that you can be, but never feel like you have to be the skinniest girl in the room to be the prettiest. Be confident in yourself and you’ll shine.’

High fives and low fives to er, Kim’s bottom.

5] In 2007 Kim got all properly famous, and her bottom toppled veteran bums (verter-bums?) JLo and Beyonce off the bottom top spot. We imagine their bums are still fuming.

6] Kim loves ribs, like sticky meaty rib ribs. Eat them, and you may get a bum as brilliant as hers, maybe.

7] There are things that Kim can’t do, that the rest of us likely take for granted:

a] … NOT knowing the pain of a plastic chair. Be it at a football match or at KFC, Kim is walking around with a perma-booster seat on her ass. Not only will she not know how ruddy uncomfortable they are, she’s also probably taller when sat down, than she is standing up.

b] She CAN’T wear baggy clothes. Kim gets a lot of stick for all her second-skin bandage skirts, but – like her big-boobed sisters (in a womanhood sense, not Kourtney n’ Khloe) a tiny waist + curvy lady bits means everything HAS to be tight, it’s basically fashion law.

TIP: Opt for toiter than tight clothing, try ASOS, Simply Be and River Island – then buy a size smaller than you’d expect. You may need talc or scissors to slide it off your bottom, but no pain no gain – right Kim!?

8] The world is waiting for your next wardrobe malfunction, zips are your enemy. DO make friends with the world’s leading designers, then you’re laughing. Failing that, your nearest friendly tailor.

9] Kim’s restricted to ONE red carpet pose: Bum-forward, face coyly looking back over her shoulder. When all eyes are on your ass, you needn’t really worry about what your face is doing. Sad but true.

10] Running is HARD. Not only is the above pose tricky to master while running, should you stumble upon some paps but bottoms turn most runs into waddles. For fitness fanatic Kim this is probably a pain in her ass.

11] She can’t fit through a cat flap. Though we very much doubt this is keeping her (nor the other Kardashians up at night). In fact, those with boring-average-sized bottoms may also struggle there, so it’s unlikely Kim’s missing out on much…

12] Kim has a team to help beautify her bottom and keep it #Belfie ready. Seriously. Said team were spotted spritzing shimmer oil on her hiney, they even have make-up brushes, blotter, and is that lipstick!? See the pics above for proof.

According to ninja sources, Kim’s new bottom was thanks to a ‘Brazilian Butt Fill’ – where fat is removed from the thighs or stomach, purified, then injected into the bottom. A friend revealed: ‘There are whispers in her circle that she’s recently been having fat injections to increase its size.’ Kim poo-pooed the rumours though, tweeting: ‘I’m seeing all these nonsense tabloids claiming I have butt implants and injections, get a life!’

That’ll be a no then.

Squats, good genes, riders, its own Twitter handle, pics of Kayne’s public fondles – one thing’s for sure, we’re all a little bit in love with a bottom. Big up all the bottoms etc.

At the time of going to press there was still no comment from Kim Kardashian’s actual bottom, but Now have high hopes. We’ll keep you posted.

Gilly Ferguson