BREAKING: The Rugby World Cup is kicking off, but don't panic - life can still be chic. Here's how:
… YUP, The Rugby World Cup kicks off THIS FRIDAY!
This means in approximately some hours, #weartherose will be trending and tackle gags will definitely come as standard.
Men, women, Chihuahuas and everything in-between – it is time. Time to train harder than you’ve ever trained before. It’s time to learn how to speak: THE RUGBY. Hurgh*.
[* that’s meant to sound like a motivational sportz noise]
WHAT GOOGLE TOLD US:
A rugby-match-game lasts for 80 minutes, that’s one hour and twenty minutes. Or that’s a whole 4800 seconds in which you can still get an awful lot of stuff done, whilst still speaking: The Rugby.
Now HQ asked The Internet, some men, some women, and some strangers exactly what winning stuff we can all say during the match-game, whilst making actual use of said 80 minutes. Because nothing says #winning quite like a touch of multi-tasking, non?
Shop from your iPhone no less. Bonus fact: Oasis, eBay, Argos, The Perfume Shop, Whole Foods, Hotel Chocolat and Schuh all use courier service Shutl – who’ll deliver your new buys direct to you within the hour.
BUT SAY: ‘Don’t mind me darling, I‘m just checking in-play odds on my Betfair app. This is because the odds move around during the game, dont-choo-know’. Then stroke your chin, thoughtfully.
Pop on a hair mask. People are always telling us to use a hair mask, but WHEN? WHEN ARE WE MEANT TO FIND THE TIME?! we whisper back. Well, now is the time. Use these 80 minutes wisely and multi-task with some face multi-masking.
Multi-masking is trending almost as aggressively as rugby is. It simply involves identifying your face’s different skin needs (greasy snout, dry forehead etc) and applying appropriate masks to just that area. If in doubt, check out Origins – they pretty much win at masks.
BUT SAY: ‘Wow. When are they going to put an end to this truck and trailer fiasco?’ – recommends pretend rugby expert Tom.
Tom added (via Daily Mash): “If I say, ‘Bloody coming in from the side again” every so often the big blokes at the bar will look at me and nod too’
Thank you Tom. Tom sounds fit.
Oh yeah, number 1 should probably have read: Wear a collar of sorts.
BUT SAY: Nothing.
Take a silent #selfie and tag in @jamielaing or @joshuapatterson_jp from Made In Chelsea. Hot posh boys [aka anyone who can’t pull off saying ‘yeah boi’] all LOVE a popped collar. Even more than Usher does.
Nothing will rev’ up dull September skin quicker. The professionals say it cleanses skin ‘x6 more effectively than manual cleansing, and in just 60 seconds’.
You have a whopping 4800 seconds to kill, just THINK how good your skin will look!
[NB we joke, cleansing for 80 minutes may cause your face to fall off. The Clarisonic Mia £99 is a thing of wonder though. Why not cleanse once, then close the door while you ‘fake-cleanse’ for another 79 isn minutes or so]
Just to see if your manfriend gets suspicious.
BUT SAY: ‘Two weeks is not nearly long enough to develop a completely fake grasp of rugby,’ says manperson Roy Hobbs of Stevenage. ‘I’d advise beginners to just learn one phrase, probably, ‘Surely he was off his feet when he handled then? Use it randomly six times during every match.’
Thank you Steve.
Rosie (jolly-good-what-o) Fortescue launched her new Nailed London nail polish collection this week. It lasts 2-3 days longer than an in-salon mani and has a Shellac finish, meaning you get a high-gloss look, without having to fiddle around with annoying UV lamps .
And – at £7 – it’s a helluva lot cheaper than getting your nails done professionally. WATCH her play Mood Vs Mani – while belly laughing – here.
BUT SING: ‘Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, carry forth to carry something else home..’. Whilst you’re painting your nails. There’s no denying it’s pretty rousing stuff.
Chuck on a Crest Whitening Strip (from £29.99, they’re amazing) and whiten your teeth for 20 mins. Then floss. Because who actually has the time to floss in real-life?
BUT SING: ‘CHRIS ROBSHAW, SHAW IS HAWT, HAWT HE IS – TO BE SHAW TO BE SHAW’ (it’s pretty arousing stuff)
Repeat the above over and over until you boyfriend gets cross and turns the channel back to Strictly.
If it goes wrong, panic not. You have 68 minutes to master the trend; three minutes to come around to the fact that you can’t pull off mermaid hair – and then a further 9 minutes to laugh about that time you tried to do that ‘hair chalk thing’.
BUT SAY: Rugby.
Rugby. Rugby. Rugger. Rugby.
Repeat as necessary, whilst stroking your chin, thoughtfully.
If all else fails say such things as: ‘Come on The Rugby; Rugby is such fun, rather; I hope the team we’re supporting gets the points they require; I am enjoying myself; Rugby.’
Go Google some pictures of Chris Robshaw to celebrate.