Giant penises, showbiz group sex and male breast milk. CBB housemates, you OWE us some answers!
There’s no question this Celebrity Big Brother has been EPIC.
But with just a week left before the housemates get their final eviction notice, there’s a whole host of other questions to which I AM desperate to get some answers.
So on behalf of all CBB fans, Channel 5 will you please take note. We’re on the final countdown to the end of arguably the best series yet. But let’s forget speculation about who will be the winner, what I really want to know is…
1. Just WHO are the mystery men Linda Nolan bonked in front of her hubby?
So Linda blew our minds over the weekend when she dropped a scandal bomb of epic proportions – yes, she admitted that she used to sleep with other men while her late hubby watched. Oh, and in case you wondered, she had great orgasms doing it too. It may be TMI, but there was something Linda didn’t share – who these gentlemen were. She and her late hubby were showbiz through and through so could the mystery men include a famous name or two?
2. What was the mystery substance Lee Ryan squirted out of his nipples?
First Luisa Zissman revealed she was still producing breast milk three years after giving birth to daughter Bluebell. Then LEE RYAN claimed he could lactate too… Cue, much hilarity, until the rather eeksome moment Lee actually did manage to produce a little bit of liquid from his boyband nipples. So onto the burning question we all need to get off our, um, chests: WHAT WAS THAT? Could Lee really be an alien as he once claimed?
3. Did Casey Batchelor actually ask Lee for a showmance?
Yes, we’re all getting a little bored of the Lee, Casey, Jasmine Waltz love triangle. But if Lee is telling the truth about Casey’s devious plots, it does give us a new perspective on the whole thing. Casey denies his claims by the way…in case you missed that sobfest!
4. How would the rest of the housemates fare in Dappy and Luisa’s IQ test?
So Dappy wasn’t happy when he lost out on the IQ test challenge to Luisa. But after he scored a – let’s face it – abysmal six per cent, I’m desperate to find out how his other housemates would have fared. Has Casey Batchelor got as much up top as she’s got up front? Is Jim Davidson really as smart as he thinks he is? Or would Towie’s Sam Faiers prove the Educating Essex really is the only way to go?
5. How many women has Dappy slept with in one night?
Remember the big row between him and Luisa? Where he slammed her for sleeping with five men in one night? Well, what’s YOUR number Dappy?
6. Exactly how long is Dappy’s penis?
Okay, we can kind of answer this one for ourselves thanks to one not-so-little photo that leaked online a couple of years ago. But after all his teasing about his baby-arm-sized bulge, I think I can speak for all women watching when I say: We want details!’
7. Just who is voting to save Liz Jones?
She barely said a word in the first week yet people kept voting to save her. Who were they? What were they thinking? And were they watching a different show?
8. What really happened between Jas and Lee in the toilets of the spaceship?
Was it a case of All Rise? Or was it just a kiss and a fumble as Jas has been suggesting?
9. Will Ollie Locke just get on with it and snog Sam?
OMG. He knows he wants to. She knows he wants to. Just get on with it PLEASE guys. I can’t take any more Made In Chelsea-style longing close ups!
10. Why, just why, do people like the racist, sexist, and generally bullish Jim Davidson?
Did I miss the memo?
What else are you gagging to find out? Tweet @nowmag #CBB
SEE PICTURES Celebrity Big Brother contestants 2013