David Walliams Tweeted that Simon Cowell's about to be a dad. Imagine the life Baby C will lead!

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Gasp! Simon Cowell is apparently HAVING A BABY.

YES, THIS IS NEWS THAT CAN ONLY BE DELIVERED IN SHOUTY CAPITAL LETTERS.

If the flurry of rumours in the Twittersphere is to be believed, the big haired media mogul has only got himself sprogged up with socialite Lauren Silverman.

I know. It’s like the best soap opera. Ev-ah! But, once I got over the shock of Simon‘s B-bomb, it got me thinking how lucky mini-Cowell is going to be. Let us examine the ways…

1. Think of the holidays! He or she won’t have to contend with a week in a windy caravan in Whitby. Nope, they’ll have a luxury berth in Simon‘s Barbados yacht. Although, they will have to holiday with Aunty Sinitta – and learn all the moves to So Macho. So there is a downside.

2. Consider the pocket money! We know Simon is a generous chap, so we expect his child’s weekly spends will be what we’d earn in a year.

3. Even if the job market remains dire in 18 years, this kid will be able to have its pick of careers. Providing it is in a reality TV show owned by Simon. And signs over all song/movie/book rights to Syco.

4. If it’s a boy, think of all the amazing clothes he’ll be able to share with his dad. Oh… hang on. Rewind. Think of all the deep-V tees he’ll be able to wear. Never mind. Moving swiftly on to…

5. What about all the funcles (fun uncles) the sprog will have. They’ll be Whoopee cushions galore from David Walliams and dating advice from Harry Styles. And general babbling from Louis Walsh. It’ll go something like this: ‘Oh Simon, your little baby looks like a young… (insert crusty singer’s name here)’

So, there you have it. Let’s hope the news is true.

Largely because we’ve already commissioned some special mini high-waisted jeans from Mothercare

 

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