COUGAR PORN AHOY! The 50 Shades/One Direction sex spoof gets a filthy final chapter - starring 'Louis Tomlinson'
At last, the wait is over! The thrilling conclusion to Carol-Anne Flap‘s tale of sexual self-discovery with a band that MAY resemble One Direction. A tale so charged with sensual power that Madonna had a vision about it in the early 90s and was inspired to release her pervy Sex book and write the line ‘Erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body.’
And who can blame her Madgesty, when you think of what’s happened so far.
But even the precognitive Queen of Pop couldn’t have foreseen what comes next. A final chapter so fulfilling it’ll knock your socks AND pants off.
So lock the front door, set the washing machine to spin, and clamber on board for the pulsating ride that is…
Chapter 5: More Than This
Carol-Anne Flap lay spread-eagled on the floor. Her bottom throbbed from the terrific spanking she’d received at the strong hands of One Seduction‘s Lium Pain.
He’d certainly taught her a lesson, a love lesson. She finally understood the difference between M&S (sandwiches, 3 for 2 on salads) and S&M (spanking and a butt that had been tenderised like two steaks pounded by an angry chef).
The self-proclaimed King of Pain slammed the door behind him as he left the room. She was alone again – or so she thought…
‘I thought hot cross buns were for Easter…’
The voice came from nowhere. It was mischievous, playful, seductive.
‘…I can feel the glow from here.’
But where was here? Carol-Anne got up gingerly (despite being a brunette) and began to search the room. She rummaged in the boxes of One Seduction merchandise. Nothing.
She moved into the shower area, where what felt like a lifetime ago she’d washed off the evidence of her en route root with Shane Madlick.
The voice spoke once more. It felt like being tickled all over with velvet fingers.
‘You’re getting warmer…’
The voice was right! She was getting warmer… much warmer. Something about the voice caused a rumble in her ladygarden, as if a ladygardener had just started a ride-on lawnmower.
Then she spied a grate set waist-high in the shower wall. Behind the mesh, a pair of green eyes twinkled like emerald disco-balls.
‘And yes, I watched you shower. Ooh, you’re blushing at both ends now…’
Carol-Anne giggled, uncontrollably. She’d suddenly realised who the voice belonged to – One Seduction‘s resident joker, Louie Tonguelinson. It was rumoured that the silver-tongued smoothie could laugh a girl into bed.
If the last few minutes were anything to go by, Carol-Anne could see why – she was only a couple of quips away from a shuddering punchline herself.
Suddenly the door sprang open, and Louie was there, holding a white plastic bottle. ‘Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you’ve got really sore buttocks, then it’s lotion. Bend over.’
Carol-Anne‘s ribs were starting to ache from his constant joking – but not as much as her bum cheeks – so she did as she was told, and bent over, touching her toes.
Without warning, he emptied his lotion all over her.
‘Sorry, that’s never happened to me before,’ said Louie. Carol-Anne chuckled, despite herself. Her inner goddess sicked up a little in her own mouth.
His large hands made perfect soothing circles on her smooth skin. ‘I’m sorry for all the jokes, I can’t help it,’ said Louie, his voice deeper, throatier. ‘But now I’m just rubbing it in. Badoom-tish!’
‘FIVE MINUTES TO CURTAIN…’
The tannoy ripped through their intimate moment like a chainsaw through cheese/Heather Small’s voice through any M People song (delete where applicable).
‘…ALL MEMBERS OF ONE SEDUCTION TO THE DRESSING ROOM.’
‘Sorry,’ said Louie, wiping his lotion-covered hands on Carol-Anne‘s skirt, and running off. ‘Gotta go, show time!’
At that moment, Carol-Anne had no idea how she actually felt. She’d lived every cougar’s dream. Her One Seduction journey had finally reached its climax.
Or had it?
Louie‘s smiling face popped round the door. ‘You’ve met us one at a time. Think you can handle all five of us at once?’
He reached out his hand…
READ WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IN FIFTY SHADES OF ONE DIRECTION – THE FORBIDDEN CHAPTER
A bit like the Avengers film (where you get all the superheroes from the other films in one film, but with more filth) the FORBIDDEN CHAPTER features Carol-Anne Flap and ALL FIVE One Seduction members.
The FORBIDDEN CHAPTER will only be unlocked after this chapter has been read 5000 times – so spread the word!
SEE PICTURES Liam Payne and One Direction sign copies of album Up All Night in New York
SEE PICTURES Liam Payne with One Direction and red carpet guests at the Brits 2012