Because there's nothing worse than a dull pop star, is there Alex Turner?

I’ll be honest, there’s not a lot that winds me up.

Apart from people who walk slowly on the tube.

Oh and if you make noises when you eat.

Other than that I’m pretty breezy about most things – EXCEPT FOR DULL POP AND ROCK STARS.

There’s no worse way to waste space and time than having the coolest job in the world without the ooomph to back it up. In fact as I sit here mentally flicking through all the dull musicians out there who refuse to even flirt with controversy or character, I could be sick. Or that could just be my BRITs hangover.

So with this in mind I would like to thank Arctic Monkeys Alex Turner for being a self-righteous, obnoxious *cough* at the BRIT Awards last night.

As he rambled on about swamps, rock n roll, and the cyclical nature of the universe, he took pretension to a whole new level of a***hole and I loved it.

If the arrogant words weren’t enough of a treat, the sight of his bandmates standing awkwardly behind him, praying James Corden would rugby tackle him off stage was truly mesmerizing. I wish was cool and techy enough I’d make some gifs out of them, but I’m not. Oh cruel world.

So dear Alex and your over-inflated ego, would you be a lamb and take the time to put some of the embarrassingly poor excuses for pop and rock stars through some kind of training camp?

Make them stand in front of mirrors and roar. Beat them with a microphone if you see them make eye contact with other people. Teach them to speak in sentences that are so long they verge on torturous and leave people saying: ‘musta been some kinda poem’.

But please, please, please whatever you do, I implore you to never say: ‘Invoice me for the microphone if you need to’ again.

Invoice is the least rock n’ roll word in the world.

Stars after party at the Brits


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