Doesn't The X Factor judge know yet how this show works?

It was the first week of live finals and The X Factor came out kicking and screaming or, if you’re Gary Barlow, throwing your toys out of your pram!

Saturday’s show had a few highlights: Ella Henderson‘s amazing performance and lust-worthy retro do (I want her hair); Nicole Scherzinger sticking it to Gary (her Take That’s Do What You Like jelly reference was classic); then of course Jahmene Douglas grew some balls (well nearly, they’re kind of grape size at the moment but they’re coming!).

But, of course, it was the results show when it all kicked off.

Despite Union J singing below par, we all knew they wouldn’t be in the bottom two – I mean have you seen that Harry Styles lookalike?!

Predictably it was Rylan Clark and Carolynne Poole who faced the judges’ votes.

Personally I reckon they could have got rid of about seven of the acts and no one would have noticed! I mean Christopher ‘Steve Brookstein’ Maloney anyone?

The sing-off was a complete disaster for poor Rylan who only managed to stumble through by not actually, er, singing into the mic.

Then Carolynne got up and belted out a tune. Yeah, she can sing, but everyone sat at home was just thinking ‘have we stepped back to the early 90s?’. It was all so dated.

Over to Dermot O’Leary to get just one name – yes ONE NAME Louis – out of the judges.

Predictably Nicole saved Rylan and Gary saved Carolynne.

Tulisa decided that the ‘entertainment factor’ just wasn’t enough and sent Rylan home.

Finally over to the bumbling fool on the end, Louis, who seemed to have come dressed as a Bond villain/Milk Tray man for the occasion.

Just the name of the act you want to be sent home, Louis…


One name?

Erm, I don’t know what to do.

One frickin’ name Louis!

I want to save Carolynne.

So you want to send Rylan home?

Erm (and this was the moment you could almost see Simon cowell sat on his shoulder, crying, This is your chance to get the ratings up, Louis!’).

Yes I want to take it to Deadlock.

Of course Carolynne got less votes and went home.

Well, at least she made it to live finals this year!

Louis, controversially, was allegedly overheard by an audience member telling Tulisa that the producers told him to take it to Deadlock. Producer Richard Holloway however insisted: ‘We never tell the judges what to do.’

Gary, so annoyed that joke act Rylan went through and not his act, actually stormed out.

Gary, have you never seen this show before? I know at times you might have drifted off due to immense boredom but surely you know how things work?

I mean, we all knew what was going to happen! Stop taking the whole thing so seriously. It’s like you’re trying to zap all the fun out of the show, and your acts.

Let me just say that next time you have a chance to get one over on Louis then take it. That’s how it works.

How else do you think Louis is still there?

Next week he’ll be on a spinny chair and stroking a cat (or maybe a pink poodle?), the campest Bond villain you’ll ever see.

I can’t wait!

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