Want to become Mrs Benedict Cumberbatch? First, get an equally crazy name!
I’ve thought long and hard about it, and I’ve come to the conclusion there is just one thing standing between me and my lifelong ambition of becoming Mrs Benedict Cumberbatch.
Forget the fact me and The Batch haven’t actually met (aside from in my dreams, obv). Or that he has a penchant for impossibly beautiful models.
No, it’s my name that’s holding me back. Sally Eyden. It’s just too, well, normal.
Thank God, then, for the Benedict Cumberbatch Name Generator, which is literally THE BEST THING EVER.
Simply click here for the website, then hit the ‘Make Name’ button and, voila! You will have a moniker worthy of The Batch himself.
Sadly, my first attempt, Syphilis Cankersore, sounded like a promiscuous Made In Chelsea character.
And I was worried Boobytrap Concubine would make the man think I was going to steal his sperm and grow my own Baby Batch.
But Bandicoot Lingerie has a certain allure, don’t you think?
Now, all I need to do is find an app to turn me into a Russian supermodel. Dammit.
Or, as they say in Cumberlish (the newly recognized language I’ve just invented) – Rinkydink Curdlesnoot!