Poor Simon Cowell missed out on sob stories, singing pensioners and an angry Pink impersonator

The X Factor is back on our screens again and the countdown to X Mas has begun. Time to dust off the guitar and get out the SingStar, welcome back Gary Barlow, Tulisa, Nicole Scherzinger and the one that just won’t go away… Louis Walsh.

Saturday saw the hottest day of the year in London. They must’ve been feeling the heat in the stadium as Louis Walsh‘s hair was ‘doing a Monica’.

Seriously, what was going on with his fro? For a moment I thought Lionel Blair was a new judge on the X Factor panel. I wish he’d just Walsh n’ Go!

What is it with the two-tone hair? Rumour has it, next week he’s going to be helping out Ant and Dec on their new show – Grey Or Black…

After the first helping of adverts, the show that brought us superstars like One Direction, Leona Lewis and Alexandra Burke served up Nando’s Sheyi Armstrong’ Omotayo. Hilarious.

I couldn’t stop wondering what he would sound like if he just sang as himself? Tulisa said he reminded her of the Cookie Monster – someone famous for living in a bin and sticking things in their mouth!

Then, inevitably someone with real talent comes on the X Factor, the working-class hero, he looks like an ordinary man but sounds like a star.

Oh, wait a minute – that was Tesco’s Mary Byrne a few years back.

Asda’s shy, cute Jahmene Douglas gave me goosebumps when he sang and is a sure bet for the live shows.

He sang that old audition staple At Last and turned it into an electric spine-tingling X Factor moment.

But sadly, win or lose, in 12 months time next year’s working class hopefuls will more than likely be marking down the price of Jahmene‘s album in supermarket near you.

After someone as good as that comes on the X Factor, you know the next act is going to be, erm, not that good – and we weren’t disappointed.

On stage the sneaky producers replace the big X with an idiot magnet and the first bit of metal (or is that mental) drawn to it was Zoe Alexander.

I thought the Pink tribute act was going to Get The Party Started but instead she wanted to Start A Fight. The Welsh dragon looked like she could actually breathe fire. Maybe that explains Louis‘s singed looking barnet…

Then there was pensioner Louis Dilke. How do 82-year-olds get on the X Factor anyway? My grandad barely knows how to work a supermarket trolly. 11140|00001ea3a|69f4_Mel-B.jpg

Spice Girl Melanie Brown was heartless, isn’t she aware British war veterans have to be told they’re great no matter how rubbish they are?

I wish she was judging when Zoe Alexander was on stage – that would have got a bit spicy.

She even told the adorable geeky Curtis Golden she didn’t like his comedic personality. I thought she liked the nutty professor type?

Imagine being told you’re irritating by Mel B. No wonder Victoria Beckham and Geri Halliwell had fallouts with their bitchy bandmate.

True to X Factor tradition there were the sob stories. Closing the show was the amazing singer/songwriter Ella Henderson who was inspired by her late Grandad, proving the point that RIP is a USP when it comes to the X Factor.

I can’t wait for next week’s bunch of wannabes/weirdos/whatever!

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