Sorry Beliebers, but Justin Bieber needs to quit music and learn some manners

I thought all my Christmases had come at once when pop scrotum Justin Bieber announced he was retiring.

Speaking on Power 106FM in Los Angeles, the 19-year-old Canadian promised the world: ‘I’m retiring…I’m just gonna take some time. I think I’m probably going to quit music.’

He’s yet to confirm it, but legions of distraught Beliebers took to Twitter in a state of distress, with one claiming: ‘@justinbieber is going to retire, I’ll break my bones and die.’

Which is exactly the sentiment I feel every time I hear one of his songs. Sadly I am always unable to carry out said limb-snapping, as I am too busy using my hands to stem the bleeding from my ears.

So, why do I detest the Biebs so much? Well, let’s examine the evidence.

For the last year, Justin Bieber has been causing havoc in every country he’s visited, bringing misery to man – and monkey – kind.

In March, Bieber the Diva tried to bring his new pet monkey into Germany, where he was performing as part of his European tour (for the avoidance of doubt, Justin was on tour and not the monkey – although some may argue the animal could probably put on a better show).

The six-month old capuchin, named Mally, was confiscated by customs after Justin failed to provide the correct vaccination and import papers.

He was given a month to reclaim Mally, but the call never came. Mally has now been rehomed with a new, far more mature and responsible family – seven other monkeys in Serengeti Park in Hodenhagen, northern Germany.

Justin‘s not exactly made friends in Australia either. Most people are content to write in an hotel’s guest book at the end of their stay. Not Bieber.

He spray-painted their wall, prompting Gold Coast mayor, Tom Tate to say: ‘I’ve got a message for pop princess Justin Beaver. We love your music but we hate your graffiti and your vandalism here in our city.

‘Mate, you’ve got two choices: come back and clean up your mess or come back and sing at the [Mayor’s Christmas Carols event] on the 7th of December.’

Like Mally, the now legendary Tom Tate is still waiting for a response.

And last, but not least, I want to mention the incident where Justin peed into a cleaner’s bucket. In a hotel kitchen. I mean, seriously, this is an animal, not a human being.

So, I applaud the fact Justin wants to retire at 19. Maybe he can spend the next few years learning a few things he clearly missed out on while he was busy being a pop star. Like some manners.

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