I love Brian and I want to adopt him when the show is over.

I love Brian. When Big Brother is over I want to adopt him. He can live in my spare room, make friends with my one-eyed cat Marvin and watch Hollyoaks whenever he likes.

While Ziggy is messing Chanelle about and Liam is giving Amy all his best moves [we’ll go back to that one in a bit] Brian is getting all dreamy about a girl. When asked in the Diary Room about the ladies in the house he came out with this gem:

‘I’d give Amy 8 out of 10, but Amanda would be a 13 out of 10. Sex with someone like Mand would be ahhhhhh. Like a really nice experience. Like angels playing harps and stuff, and women with violins, and like monkeys handing you grapes and stuff, and a big fluffy cloud.’ Bless!

Only seconds later he has me falling of my sofa laughing with his description of sex with Shanessa being like: ‘Getting sucked through a hose pipe!’ which I have a horrible feeling is scarily accurate.

I’m shocked to hear all the talk of Brian being ‘abnormally’ well endowed. I’m scared Shanessa is after him too despite her hilarious claim that she that she’s told all [that’s right, all] the guys she’s seeing that she’ll be faithful while she’s in the house. Yes Shanessa, Brian is lovely that’s why young lady you need to KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF HIM!!

Sorry about that. Anyway back to the other blokes. I quite enjoyed Liam and Ziggy bitching about the new housemates in the Halfway House and loved the expression on all the original housemates faces when they saw that it would be Shanessa joining them instead of Ziggy. However the swap did mean Liam could get it on with Amy. Who, I’m not being funny, but looks a lot different without her make up on.

He may have claimed that Amy has: ‘two hopes – Bob Hope and no hope,’ of getting together with him and saying he wouldn’t because her chin was spotty, but after 45 days with no lady action he’s soon putting in the moves and boy, is he good.

How long do you reckon it is before he starts giving her the brush off? My money’s on about ten minutes after he wakes up.

Anyway, I’m off now to yet another festival this weekend so sadly will be missing the eviction on Friday. But never fear, once again I shall return to four hours of Big Brother on my Sky Plus which I will watch just for you! Damn, I’m good to you!