Big Brother opens its doors for the last time to the some of our favourite housemates. Apparently...

So it’s time for Ultimate Big Brother. We have so much potential here. I’m that sad me and my boyfriend drew up a list of who we wanted in.[I really shouldn’t admit that should I] and the one thing we agreed on was that no celeb housemates should take part. Hmm, I have a bad feeling about this…

So here we go, for the last ever time, let’s meet the housemates

Chantelle Houghton is the first one in. She was such a sweet girl once. Then Big Brother and Preston corrupted her. Z list at it’s finest. She’s still living the dream apparently. Looks more like a nightmare to me.

Next up is… oh what a shock, it’s Preston. He’s got a bit of the Jude Laws about him. He’s a bachelor with a cat apparently. Oh Chantelle, you may be in luck after all. ‘Hello is that OK magazine? Yes I’d like to order my copy of the Chantelle and Preston reunion issue please… What do you mean it will never happen? I beg to differ!’

Ooh actually, this is awkward as the exes come face to face. OK cancel my copy of OK magazine. Poor Josie stuck in the middle. Bet she wishes she’d left now.

Nadia Almada is next. She says we’ll remember her from her drama and passion. No Nadia it will be for sobbing over cigarettes and being a bit of a mental. Fiery doesn’t cover it. Hogging the cameras before you go in love, is so tacky. However she does win me back by embaracing Josie and saying: ‘Welcome to the family!’ Sweet.

Brian Dowling should be my favourite, but I’m not sure. He’s being a bit cocky, but lets hope the funny shines through. He had to be in there really, it would have been crazy if not.

Talking of crazy what the hell is Ulrika Jonsson doing in there? She’s not an ultimate housemate. Bad call Big Brother. On a side note, how bloody skinny is she?

Oh mentalist Makosi is back. Those boobs are genuinely terrifying and I feel a bit concerned for the other housemates. I wonder if Davina won’t be an utter bitch to her like she was last time? Oh yes, she will be. I may dislike her, but I think she’ll be value for money.

Oh dear god it’s John McCririck. He truly is vile and he’s going to irritate the hell out of all of them. Hooray. He’s still a disgusting misonginist in a pair of stained pants. Ewww. If they are going to insist on ‘celebs’ going in there I suppose he’s worth it, even if he does make me sick a little in my mouth.

Next is Coolio. Too many celebs. I’d rather have Victor than Coolio. Hmm. I’m not happy. Ooh he’s written a sing. Thanks Coolio. Do you currently have a recording contract?

Finally a descent housemates arrives in the form of mentalist Nikki Grahame. I do kind of love her though as she truly is an ultimate housemate. Now, is it me or did she say she HATES Chantelle? Thank you Big Brother. Thank you.

And finally it’s Nasty Nick. He had to be in there really didn’t he? He’s now married to someone I used to work with at Now fact fans. Although I had forgotten the fact that he never got any nominations. Amazing. I think he may be a bit smug though.

So there we have it Ultimate BB. Of the real housemates they’ve chosen well [although I demand Brian Belo at some point], but I am not happy about all the celebs – they are not proper housemates. I expect top drawer entertainment now or me and the Tree will be having words!