There's 16 hopefuls, but only two of them are housemates - meet the wannabes we're set to spend the summer with...

Hello ladies and gentleman, Big Brother is back and so is my wonderful blog. I know, I know, you’ve missed me, but enough of that, Big Brother 10 eh, how exciting? Or maybe not, considering last year was won by BB’s second most boring winner. Rachel Rice. [Cameron Stout still just managed to cling on to that crown, I’m afraid Rachel].  The fact that I’d forgotten it was her who had won until about a week ago speaks volumes.

This will be the first year I haven’t seen the pictures and biogs of the new housemates before blogging, which fills me with a new kind of dread – will I notice if there’s a transsexual? Will I think the bigot is OK because they’ve got a nice haircut? Who knows, but here’s my minute-by-minute low down as the housemates make their way into the house for 13 weeks of, ahem, entertainment. Bring on the freaks…

9.01 – Davina is back in black as always, but this year appears to have covered herself in a wet look wind sock. Davina you do have an amazing figure, but seriously?

9.03 – They have a phone with the sign ‘should you answer the phone?’ written on it. Paranoia already. The one room is going to drive them mental too. I love it.

9.04 – Freddie is a bit of a posh boy, but I don’t hate him yet. I’d rather like to have his house too – I suspect it may have a moat. I have high hopes for him already. Please don’t disappoint me Freddie.

9.07 – Ooh an aggressive lesbian. It’s usually a gay man saying all the men will want to sleep with him and they never do. Not sure she’ll have much more luck either.

9.09 – Davina has just informed us that: ‘Lisa likes wearing rubber underwear.’ Nice. Although she does use the phrase ‘rumpy pumpy’, which to me is a plus point.

9.11 – Sophie does modelling, promotional work and did Page 3 for her 18th birthday –  she’s all class this one. She also has a dog that wears dresses and the most ridiculous boobs in the world. Nuts magazine will LOVE her. Me, not so much.

9.20 –Kris looks a bit like he wants to be a bit like Russell Brand, but looks a bit like Johnny Borrell and is an arrogant little sod, a bit like Johnny Borrell. We shall see… He once appeared in an STD commercial with his top off, well everyone has to have an ambition I suppose.

9.23 – I ‘forgot’ to put on underwear says Noirin. Yeah right. She claims to be religious and a good person while also boasting that she is incredibly beautiful and cheats on her boyfriends. She is pretty I give her that, but she has the split personality of Jodie Marsh. I would put money on that she’ll get off with Kris.

9.26 – Cairon, he’s like Science, but cooler and I was one of the few people in the UK who liked Science. Oh hang on, he’s a bit homophobic it seems. Not good.

9.28 – I have officially become old as all I want to do is pull up his trousers. A belt is to keep trousers round your waist not midway around your arse.

9.35 – Angel is a fitness freak who has named her abs. She is a professional boxer and she used to be a rockstar. Ooh I don’t know what to make of her at all.

9.36 – OK now I know what I think of her thanks to the slow motion mental walk into the house. Tone it down love please.

9.38 – GET ON WITH IT ANGEL!

9.39 – Karly is a self proclaimed bitch. Wonderful. She thinks she is amazing and wants to be a WAG. Cliché, cliché, cliché. It’s not fair. I don’t want to come across as hating all the pretty girls, but it isn’t that, they’re all just vile!

9.42 – I have no idea why Davina can’t get more serious presenting roles, you know?

9.43 – I already have a strong suspicion that despite pretending to be friends for the first few days it won’t be long before those girls are clawing each others faces off.

9.43 – Marcus looks like Wolverine crossed with Bill Bailey. He says he is trendsetter, maybe in world of warcraft, not in real life. He can dress it up however he likes, but he’s a geek. Having said that I like him even if he does still live with his mum. He claims his nickname is Dark Horse. I think he means his screen name.

9.51 Beinazir does have a touch of the Amy Winehouse about her, but without the smack. Not too bad so far and that is some big hair going on there too.

9.54 – Who’d have thought it, I quite like Sophia too as she also uses her brain. Something the BB house isn’t used to. I think she could be trouble, but she’s short and so am I so I like her. Simple as that.

9.55 – OK I’m rapidly going off her the more she screetches.

9.58 – Rodrigo is possibly the smiliest person ever. He’s so positive. He also looks like a South American Zak Effron. Please don’t break him Big Brother.

10.01 – Charlie seems quite sweet, but I have a feeling he might get a bit much after a while. For now though he seems nice. Something must be wrong, two nice housemates in a row? You’re freaking me out BB!

10.09 – Saffia is a bit judgemental to say the least. Why the hell has she got such a wall up around her? If she dropped all of that she could possibly be OK.  Having said that my boyfriend has just gone mental at the news that she thinks men are just sperm donors.

10.12 – Sree is dressed by his mum and dad, can’t cope with more than a pint and doesn’t kiss girls. Does he have any idea of what he is letting himself in for?

10.15 – Siavash. Words fail me. Hang on a minute, isn’t he one of the Oceanic 6 masquerading as Salvador Dali?

10.26 – Look at them all ducking out of going to the diary room. Wimps.

10.27 – Rodrigo looks so scared at not becoming a housemate. However, the task he has been set is brilliant and insanely hard. He has to get someone to agree to let him shave off their eyebows and draw glasses and a moustache on their face, which they must continue to do for the foreseeable future. Dear lord, they’re too vain to let him do that surely?

10.30 – Oh hang on, maybe he will do it because the other person will become a housemate too. Four minutes to get it done in is rather hash though.

10.31 – Damn it Noirin is DESPERATE to become a housemate! While the fact that she would shave off her eyebrows off and draw on her face makes me suspicious, I begrudgingly have to give her kudos for actually doing it. It’s like The Word never happened.

10.36 – I like that we get to choose the housemates so early on, which might make it a bit more exciting this year.

10.37 – Finally, nice touch BB for doing a tribute to Jade at the end.

So that’s it then, only two definite housemates and a bunch of wierdos. It’s going to be a very long summer…

Disclaimer: I retain the right to change my opinion on any of the housemates at the drop of a hat and without any good reason.