Who's going to win Celebrity Big Brother? I decide...


As I can’t think of anything that exciting to say about tonight’s show I have decided to rate the housemates in the order I think they should come out of the house. That is all.

Ivana TrumpIvana may be fabulous, darling, but at the moment the best I can muster to say about her is meh! Next out please.

Alex Reid – He’s not a horrible bloke and he probably deserves a medal for going out with Jordan. However, while Alex may have won some people over he is still as fame hungry as they come. He’s also stupid and vain. Fact.

Basshunter – While it’s sweet that he’s a geek, a bit afraid of Vinnie and a little bit lonely in the house, I cannot forgive him for his relationship with Katia, his obsession with masturbating and farting, and most importantly, his bloody awful music.

Nicola T – I was liking her until she made a very bad joke about going to the toilet today in a rather dubious accent. Nice, but not a winner.

Vinnie Jones – Despite the fact he’s getting a bit arrogant I did find his pain at being chained to Ivana funny, especially when he began stabbing the chicken [you had to be there]. A week ago he would have been battling Stephanie for number one. Maybe he’s joking, but the self-importance plus the admission that he spends £400 on cashmere socks and thinks that’s perfectly normal. I don’t begrudge him the money he’s eared but my socks are from Primark so I am a little bit bitter.

Dane Bowers – This feels wrong putting him so high. I’m sure I’ll regret it, but he’s just a nice bloke. Not that exciting, but…

Stephanie Beacham – I love Stephanie. She is a bit of a snob, but she makes me laugh and she’s all class. She also slept with Marlon Brando before he resembled a walrus. A true legend.