Gaffes, staged arguments and uncharismatic characters - the death knell sounds for TOWIE

I’m ashamed to say it now, but I was SO excited about Monday night’s live TOWIE.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, as they say.

Unfortunately, Live TOWIE was single-handedly, the WORST piece of television that I have ever witnessed.

And I have watched a lot of rubbish TV in my time, believe me.

Car crash telly? More like motorway pile up. Covered in burning feather boas and singed sequins.

Unfunny, cringeworthy, staged and clunky – it all went wrong.

And it exposed quite a bit about TOWIE that viewers didn’t want to know. Which is why I think it might – gasp – lead to the show being axed, if it doesn’t buck its ideas up soon.

Starting off with, a trouserless Arg was a terrible idea. NO, producers, just no.

And the whole cabaret’ premise was a bad idea, too (since when did I want to see Charlie King singing Jennifer Lopez? Or Carol Wright pretending to be a ventriloquist’s dummy? Never!).

This was worse than any panto I have ever been to. And I really hate panto, too.

And it was made even worse by awful editing (why didn’t the team do about 600 rehearsals first? Come on. These are hardly the brains of Britain we’re dealing with. Sorry, TOWIE cast).

I was just getting into Kirk doing a big band performance (the best bit of the night – he wasn’t all that bad, actually…) and then it was unceremoniously cut.

Scenes would stop with no warning, before switching to another cataclysmic camera shot.

And the conversations between characters in between cabaret acts were so forced that I actually started thinking… this really is all fake.

Yeah, I know TOWIE is scripted. But I’ve been watching it for such a long time that I’ve started to believe it.

Now, the sparkle is properly gone.

The live conversations’ between Joey Essex and Sam Faiers were excruciating – you could see Joey squirming as he alternated between talking about marriage and breaking up with Sam.

And it was awful. I’d go as far as to say, cruel on poor, silly Joey.

There were broken microphones, Jessica Wright miming (urgh) and another totally forced scene between Charlie and new girl Jasmin Walia.

And the bits that should have been highlighted were left to be totally unceremonious.

Lauren Pope revealed she’d spent the night with her ex, Kirk – a big deal! But we hardly saw a reaction, as the scene was again cut for more rubbish on-stage singing.

Waste. Of. My. Time.

Chris Moyles tweeted that the show was cringey’.

Danny Baker mused, From what I’m gathering both in house and on Twitter – the phrase ‘Jumped The Shark’ is right now being replaced by ‘TOWIE Live Episode.’

And ex-TOWIE member Maria Fowler commented on Twitter, “The extreme lack in some personalities is showing through massively on this show?! #BringBackTheHeavyEdit”.

Seriously, TOWIE producers. If even Maria Fowler is slagging your show off then you need to sort this mess out. And fast.

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