Yay! Made In Chelsea is back. And Spencer's even more horrendous than ever

Ooh, how I’ve missed you, Made In Chelsea.

When I interviewed Jamie Laing and Oliver Proudlock a few weeks ago, they promised me this series would be dark’.

And if last night’s first episode was anything to go by, they’re right.

The whole thing basically revolved around Spencer Matthews being a complete and utter unrelenting and unfeeling twat.

Kind of like Darth Vader but without a cape. 

He got caught out cheating on his long-suffering girlfriend, Louise Thompson at Christmas (with an amazing slap round the chops from Millie Mackintosh. Go, Millie!).

But Spencer is unrepentant. Last night’s episode saw him having a go at everyone – and I mean everyone.

You see, Spencer has beef with Francis Boulle – because he grassed him up for cheating. And therefore everyone and anyone who has ever spoken to Francis is, in Spencer‘s eyes, wrong. 

Spencer and Louise go out for a drink, where he treats her like an imbecile.

It’s difficult to explain to a girl‘, he says. DIGGING A HOLE HERE, SPENNIE… I made a mistake that I wanted to cover up,’ he continues. People that make mistakes to tend to try and cover them up. Covering your tracks. People try and do that.’

Yah, OK then. See also: you don’t have a moral leg to stand on so shut up with the preaching already.

Louise looks upset but generally puts up with her Dark Lord being a total a-hole to her and carries on drinking her expensive wine. As you do. 

Darth, sorry, Spencer, then carries on his mission to piss everyone in Chelsea off.

He calls Francis a proper grade A dickhead’ to Jamie (Jamie‘s about to move in with Francis. Naaaaat cool, Spennie).

Spencer then blames Jamie for not stopping him from cheating on Louise, saying, quite seriously, there was no sign of you stopping me’. Because Jamie was at the same pardy, or whatever.

You are your own person, Spencer. Honestly!

Spencer then carries on down his path of doom and blackness, telling Jamie that he needs to choose between him and Francis.

You can’t have us both,’ he hisses, like something straight out of EastEnders.

Boy, does Spen like a bit of drama.

The vitriol continues (yes, there is a lot more to come) when Spencer finally runs into Francis at a gig.

Spencer says to Francis that, ratting someone out is a f***ing bitchy thing to do’ (who are you, Spencer, Regina George?) before carrying on the Mean Girls theme by calling Francis a f***ing pathetic loser’. 

I wonder if Spennie has a burn book?

Spencer then transforms into a human hotdog (see above picture) in a rather, er, hot dog-esque coat. Well, Millie did say, his cheeks are pretty meaty’ earlier in the episode.

Porky!

The show finishes with an almighty ruckus between living doormat Louise and angry, puffed-up Spencer, after Lucy Watson pops up to let Louise know that Spencer has been up to more of his old tricks, and has been texting her.

Louise throws a napkin ring at Spencer and tells her she hates him (ooh, sounds like Sunday lunch round my house). 

Louise, remember who the f*** you’re talking to!’ shouts Spencer, before calling Louise ‘desperate’. Louise then cries. Again.

DUMP HIM, Louise!


To summarise:

Total number of times Louise blubs: three
Total number of times Spencer swears: 114 (approx)

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