We dissect Louise and Alik's Made in Chelsea New York faux-mance

Oooft. Are we the only ones who couldn’t watch Louise Thompson‘s first kiss with Made In Chelsea newbie Alik Alfus without feeling nauseous?

Her relationship with the creepy, rubber-faced American has been intolerably insincere from the beginning – lots of long shots of him leering at her, and Louise doing her best I’m-so-hot-for-you-honest looks.

Perhaps Weeze is soldiering on with this unconvincing show of sexual chemistry because she’s worried that like Cheska and Fran, she’d be shipped back to London by the Made in Chelsea producers for being too boring.

In last night’s episode, the 24-year-old ventured into Alik’s workshop for a nosey round, and the fake flirt-fest reached new levels of excruciating.

She cooed over some orange leather, which he cheekily wrapped around her thigh. Could you feel the sexual tension mounting? Er no. Sorry. There’s more frisson between Jamie Laing and Billie’s gay best friend Carson.

Alik then lured her into his bedroom – where he supposedly wooed her with talk of ‘grounding himself’ by playing music or painting from 6 o’clock until midnight. Right on Alik, right on, man.

All that creativity meant Louise just HAD to seduce him with her mad skillz on his drumkit (and, no, that’s not a euphemism) and Alik could no longer contain himself.

Going in for the lunge, the American practically sucked her face off while her body language screamed EWWWWW almost as loudly as we did at home.

It didn’t get much better later on in the show when they had another fake-out (sorry, make-out) session on the baseball pitch. Louise couldn’t hide her relief when brother Sam ran on to surprise her, interrupting their second awkward pash.

Who knows where this faux-mance is going, but it seems they’re determined to drag it out, at least for the duration of the NYC series – with Alik posting pictures on Instagram of them at Notting Hill Carnival in London last weekend and Louise sharing an intimate pic of him playing guitar in a dimly lit bedroom.

All we’re saying is PLEASE don’t let them make a sex tape. We would cringe so much we’d combust.

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